it's over

last one

2006-08-15T01:30:00.000-04:00

the ground is falling out from under my feet and i can't seem to walk away. i'm fascinated by the crumbling tile, looking into the abyss below i go silently. not having enough care to grab for the edge of the floor i slip away without a sound, and like that i've vanished. oddly enough noone else seems to have noticed, or really cared that everything was crashing down. the bomb exploded but only i could hear it. i turned in every direction screaming for help, tears were falling down my face, yet not one person turned around or even blinked an eye. it was as if i was not there, or not worth saving. i fought against it for awhile until i realized that there was nothing left worth fighting for. it was the moment when i realized that noone would extend their hand for me, and it hit me, i was alone. for the very first time in my life the lights disappeared, and this time there weren't coming back on. the darkness was suffocating, and it closed in on me, wrapping around me like a blanket. it wasn't warm and comforting, instead a dull numbess overcame my body. i was trapped, but it didn't matter, because this time noone was coming to find me, there would be no rescue team, no funeral, nothing. it was as if i had never even been born. i tried to think of what i could have done differently and i realized...i realized it was one sick lie. it hit me that people will always let you down, and trust noone because words are empty. love is a choice that is rarely chosen, and all is not fair in love and war. i deserved something better, but sadly noone believed that but me. i settled for second best because the best threw me out on the street. that's how i ended up here in this darkness, outkast by the world, society, eveything that was once my comfort is now my pain. this darkness knows me and becomes me. i'm left with trying to get out or staying. this time i'm staying for good, there's no point in leaving.

i have wished my last 21 years away

2006-04-16T00:34:00.000-04:00

where does time go? i blink my eyes, and it seems like 4 years has gone by. there are only 3 weeks left before year number 2 at msu is over, and it seems like classes are just starting. i turned 21, i can remember dreaming of that to happen. it seems like it was just yesterday that i was 17 and looking at my license thinking, crap i still have to wait 4 LONG years before i'm 21. and now it's already there. i thought college was for old people, something that would never happen to me. i thought that i would always be a baby, and never grow up. i think one of my good friends from high school is married, and the sad thing, is that i found out through facebook. when i was in preschool...my dreamjob was being a bus driver. to me, bus drivers were the most amazing people in the world. now that i'm older, i realize that it's not the life of luxury that i once dreamed it to be. when i was in third grade, i wanted to be a lawyer and my DREAM was to go to harvard law school. i wanted to become the US's first female president. i even told a guy on a plane, when i was in 7th grade, that i was going to be the world's first female president. he told me that he would look for my name in the papers, and that he would vote for me. i spent the first 19 years of my life wishing that i was older, and since then i've spent the last 2 wishing i was younger. right now, ijust wish i was finished with college. i find myself wishing to be anywhere but here. the only things that i like about where i'm at right now is my boyfriend, and God...i want to fill my car up with gas, throw a bag or 2 in the back, pick up mark and go. i don't care where, just pick a direction and drive off and in one sense never come back again. i want more out of life than what i have. i want to experience the world, meet everyone, see everthing. i want it all, but ican't have any of it.

updates all across the board

2006-03-14T12:19:00.000-05:00

well it's been ages since i've written something, so rather than take a shower and see if i have to go into work i've decided to write on this blog. god has been amazing to mark and i lately. in these past 2 weeks we have grown closer together than we have in the almost 5 months that we've been together. we've undergone "construction" in our relationship and have really done a 180, to focus back on God and make him the center of it all once again. it's been amazing...we've been praying and reading our bibles together. i feel like we've grown so much closer on a different level. even though there are other things that stand in our way it's not stopping us. i'm really proud of the changes and the progress that we've been making.

school sucks, i wish that i didn't have to go to school. i just want to move to france and stay there forever speaking french, eating french bread and drinking wine.

the family is doing well...i guess i don't relaly talk to them anymore.

this is boring, lol i don't know why i write in this thing anymore.

stolen from noel's blog

2006-02-21T15:36:00.000-05:00

Get your position here

sunny days!

2006-02-01T21:10:00.000-05:00

wow what a beautiful day it was outside! it was so nice! it's amazing to me how God can create such peace within a world of chaos. nothing really special happened today, it was just a good day. except for french class....UGH! oh well, i did, however, go to 2 out of my 3 classes today, which is a major improvement for me. i'm not usually one to skip or to slack off, but for some reason this semester not only have i become lazy, and a bum, but i also rarely go to class. that's probably a habit that i need to break out of, because i'm sure it's not a good thing! this weekend should be fun! mark and i are going to casa sommerlot on friday night for his mom's birthday party. i really like hanging out with them. then on saturday it's down to jackson for a man night and a girls night. mark, john, and my dad are going to this wild game dinner, for some manly time, while jessie, mom, and myself are going to manicures, pedicures, watch girly movies, and probably eat some ice cream or something....who knows what we'll do! i'm looking forward to sunday, mainly because i'm doing the shape class. now that i have my car back up at state i should be able to do more things at church. i can't imagine ever leaving riverview, but at the same time i don't want to stay in the lansing area for the rest of my life. i'm ready to go see even more of the world. right now i'd be happy with an extended weekend. i wish it was hot out so that i could go up north to go hiking and climing, etc. that would be so much fun! i am very proud of myself....i killed a spider ALL BY MYSELF. ok i lied...i had the help of some raid. it was on the ceiling, so i sprayed it until it fell down (where i proceeded to scream like a little girl), and then once it was down, i think i sprayed about 1/2 of the can on it. needless to say i won that round. i can't wait to move into my apartment next year! i'm really excited to live with christina, and i'm ready to be out on my own. it makes me feel so old to be living in an apartment, paying bills, making food, etc. it's a rush for me, i can't wait to experience it all. speaking of experiences, i am procrastinating on experiencing the JOYS of studying. so i should probably do that.

2006-01-26T20:48:00.000-05:00

i am done

SHAPE

2006-01-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

i am taking this class at riverview called SHAPE: spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experience. this was week one of 4, and today we worked on spiritual gifts. after taking the test, i have determined that my spiritual gifts are (the romans 12 test-who would have known that there are several different tests to take???):
1. exhortation
2. leadership
and last but certainly not least: mercy
i'm not sure what to make of all of this yet, so as schiller instructed us to do, i'm going to check out the website www.biblegateway.net to see what i can make of them, but mostly the exhoration one.
i've really had to face this in the past couple of days, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME! being a christian is not about me, but it's about others. reaching other people for Christ...i have already found God, but there are so many people out there who haven't yet.
i need to find some community. i'm really aching for my housechurch from last year, we had amazing community. right now i need to find a group of women that i can grow with spiritually, but that seems hard to find these days. mark made an interesting comment to me yesterday: you know arwen, when i had community i didn't want it, and now that i do...well i just don't have it anymore. it's funny how that works out sometimes. it was good to be in that class today, mark brett was talking about the importance of this class, and what he said really resonated within me. he said that where we are at is not an accident. what has happened to us, and where we have ended up is a part of the plan. (acts 17:26-27). that is so hard to grasp sometimes. all of the events in our lives have all pushed us to this exact moment in time, and you know what God knew that we would end up here. that is so cool!

on another note, financial stress is no fun. my paycheck was never deposited into my bank account on friday....i'm not sure what happened, but i am sure that i need that money. i really dislike money. right now i have to put all of my trust in God that i can get out of this hole that i have dug for myself.
anyway, things are going well. i feel at ease, and peaceful...something that i haven't felt in awhile.

being sick is yucky.

2006-01-16T16:51:00.000-05:00

why do i always get sick when i am away from home? i was ready to get sick over christmas break, because then my mom would be right there to cater to my every need. she being the loving and caring mother that she is would nurse me back to health by making me soup, giving me vitamins and medicine, and would take care of me all day long. well now i'm sick, and i guess it's time for me to grow up. i can't expect mark to be my mom lol. although picturing that in my head right now is pretty funny.
this was by far one of the most difficult weeks of my life, but to counter that i think yesterday was one of my most favorite days so far.
i'm figuring out more and more each day how selfish i am as a person. this is not good at all. i'm starting counseling again this week....after a long break from it, i think it's time to go back.
on another note, it's really cold right now, my hands are like ice cubes, and yes i'm whining. and i could go on for a lot more, but i will spare you the details and leave it at this: I WANT TO GO EAT SOME SOUP, but i lost my ID (just pretend that this is a crying face)

restlessness

2006-01-07T22:42:00.000-05:00

i had this huge revelation, or ephiphany if you will, the other day: i am NEVER content with where i'm at in life. i think it all started in middle school when we moved to tecumseh. everyone was so mean to me that i just wanted to go to high school, for some reason i thought that interactions would be different that people would be nicer, that we would put aside the stupid popular/non popular crap and everyone would be friends. once i go to high school and realized that it was nothing like that, all i wanted to do was go to college. when i went to belgium i was happy until like february, and then iwas ready to do something else. now that i'm college i just want to be done and go on to the next stage in my life. i don't get it. i wish that i could just be satisfied with where i'm at. i can't spend my life wishing it away, that's a waste of time, and a waste of a good life. somehow i need to learn how to be content with what i have and where i'm at in life. i don't know how to do that. i don't know how to accept and be content with where i'm at, i don't know how to stop focusing on the future and look at what is in front of my today. that's what really matters.

grandpapa

2006-01-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

well grandpa bill is recovering how they hoped he would. my mom said that he is sitting up and talking, and they even removed the breathing tube today! they were only able to do 2 bypasses instead of 3, but the doctor said that even doing 2 will really help his heart out significantly even if he doesn't notice a difference. this may sound horrible, but part of me just wants to see him die. it's something that he's been wanting for 9 years. when my grandma died, he wanted to die right there with her. he's midly happy here, but i know that he's ready to go HOME and be with her and God. that's really all that he desires right now. when he does die it's going to be bittersweet. i will miss him, but at the same time i know that he's going to be so happy to finally go home.

nothing worthwhile

2006-01-01T13:32:00.000-05:00

i get so frustrated sometimes. i feel as if it's not worth it. i keep pushing forward but everything around me is an obstacle forcing me to go backwards when all i need/want to do it keep going straight ahead. i just want to scream at the top of my lungs, but instead i'm required to whisper silently inside what i truly feel and think. why is it that when i want to be myself i must be the person that everyone else wants me to be? when can i stop playing these mind games and show you who i really am? this constant denial and disapproval is hurting me, and burns me deeper with each passing day. this rejection is taking its toll on me, but i will not give in. i will stay strong and fight to the end even if it means the end of me. if that's what it takes to show you truth, then so be it. i just wish for one moment where you would actually HEAR what i am saying, and no longer just see the words come out of my mouth. i wish you would understand and let go of what haunts you from the past. i'm not looking to destroy, only to love. i've done nothing wrong, but for some reason i've been made to feel as if i'm not enough. as if there is something better, and that i am lacking. i just want your love and acceptance, will you just give me the pleasure to know who you really are? why the constant lies and deceit? it's driving me crazy, i scream but noone seems to notice my tears. there is only one person who will wipe my tears away, but somehow everything is against that bond. will we ever be left alone, left to discover the world on our own, left to seek God? or will it always be this uphill battle. it's not meant to be like this. joy or happiness. choose one, but not both, and choose wisely. this is a deadly decision, it seals your fate forever. one day maybe the goings won't be so rough and the world will be more accepting, forgiving, maybe one day the world will understand the terrible mistake that is being made right now, and when that happens, i'll come back. i'm trying to have peace in my heart, but sometimes trying isn't enough. i don't know how to do this. i need your hand tonight. will you walk with me down this road away from everything you've ever known? i'd do it for you in a heartbeat.

this one goes out to my sister kelsey

2005-12-28T19:48:00.000-05:00

"Someday YOU will be loved "

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred

Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

merry christmas!

2005-12-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

i like christmas less and less each year. it seems to me that it starts earlier each year, and becomes more commercialized. this year i would have given everything just to have been with all of my family. it was the smallest christmas that we have ever had since all 5 of us were born. it made me so sad. i feel so disconnected from them all, as if we're drifting apart. there are days where i want nothing more than to be 4 years old again...i didn't understand hurt, pain, loss, the loneliness that missing someone brings. at 4 i was still innocent and untouched. i hate being depressed all the time. i spend most of my time in denial about it, i don't know. i go for a week or 2 feeling GREAT and then i'll have 3-4 days where it's horrible, and i want it to be over with.
anyway back to christmas. even though it was small, it was still enjoyable. it was me, mom, dad, grandpa, jessie and john, and mark came over. i was really glad that he was there to share that with me. it really meant alot to me as well as my family. all of the winters' kids have boyfriends or girlfriends right now! it's a miracle! we've never all had someone that we were dating all at the same time. well kelsey is a special situation, but i think she counts. i'm ready to not be at my parents' house anymore. i'm ready to be finished with school. i hate college. i like learning, but i hate the circumstances and conditions under which it takes place.
God taught me a tough lesson this semester: my value is NOT found in my grades, but in him. i ended up finishing with over a 3.0 gpa, but i just finally let go of my grades. they were the worst that i have ever received in my entire life. but who cares??? i passed and that's what counts. next semester i have 18 credits. i want to be finished. i'm done.

KCW

2005-12-21T15:26:00.000-05:00

kelsey called me today, and caleb can say my name! it's so cute, it sounds something like: ahhhwin. it's the cutest thing in the whole world. i hate not being able to see him and hold him and play with him! i just wish she would come home. now she's talking about going to the middle east. i feel like she's leaving our family, it's as if i don't even know who my own sister is anymore. that makes me really sad. my mom's been crying for the past day and it's so hard on her to not have everyone home for the holidays. this year will be the worst so far, because the least amount of people will be here. she's never had to deal with this. i think it's hitting her that the christmas before i went to belgium was the last holiday where we would all be together as a family. with 2 weddings happening over this next year, i just don't know how well my madre's going to take it. they worry me. i've also been coming to the realization that i'm going to be the one "blessed"...more or less stuck with the responsibility of taking care of them when they're old and farty. what they did for my grandpa is going to be me in 30 years...i don't know how i feel about that. i want to get out of michigan, i feel like this place pulls me down, as if i'm not going anywhere with my life. i went back to tecumseh today and it was depressing. there were so many bad memories there. i ate lunch with a girl who used to be one of my best friends. she's one of those friends that you will always be close with no matter how much time passes in between. it's just sad that we're not a part of each other's lives anymore. i really hate going back to tecumseh. part of me just wants to erase it and block it out of my memory forever. i never want to hear it's name spoken again. i'll be staying with christine these next 2 nights and i'm so exicted. i miss her so much. i can't wait to just talk and have some fun with her. i hate the fact that my parents don't know any of my friends. sometimes i wished they lived so much closer. it's hard being even an hour away from them. i get worried sometimes that i'm losing them. i do n't like living with my grandpa, i'd hate to wake up one morning to find that he died in his room overnight. i don't think i could sleep in that house again for a long long time. that would be so traumatic.
i have to work tonight...i don't want to work anymore, but i need the money. someone asked me how i could work there and not have it conflict with my values and morals. i just try not to think about it when i'm working, and just try to focus on selling things.
other than that things are fantastic. i'm ready for the holidays to be over with. i need to pick up a couple more stocking stuffers for my parents and i should probably get john something since everyone else in my family did. arg, there are TOO many people to buy for!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this is why thanksgiving is way cooler.

2005-12-09T08:45:00.000-05:00

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new
Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a placewhere they’re far more suited than here
I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So (green) eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So (green) eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

birthday's are fun

2005-12-04T22:37:00.000-05:00

today was fantastic! mark and i went over to his house to celebrate his dad's birthday. it was so much fun to hang out with his family. i've really been enjoying getting to know them better. they are alot of fun. they remind me of my family, which is amusing to me, and it's hard to believe that we are like that lol...in a good way of course. things with mark have been great lately. he is so amazing, it's hard to believe that he could even find anything in me to like. somehow it works, we're such opposites, yet we have enough in common that it makes for a good time. we have fun together, he makes me laugh, and knows how to dry my tears. i have no idea where he came from...as mark would say, "well i'm from west lansing". i hope he doesn't have an exam next monday, because my parents want us to come over and decorate our tree, and i'd really like him to come with me. ok that's all for now...love!

2005-11-30T23:21:00.000-05:00

i just want you all to know that i have the best boyfriend in the entire world. i really really do, he's amazing.

sick time

2005-11-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

i'm starting to get sick, yay! not really though, but i knew it would come sooner or later...i'm surprised i've gone this long without being sick...almost 1 1/2 months! grrr mark won't come take care of me, and yes i'm whining about it. ok i need to finish my homework and go night night. love you guys!

gobble gobble!

2005-11-28T14:36:00.000-05:00

Happy belated Turkey Day! Thanksgiving this year was really fun, we celebrated on saturday so that Benj and Anna as well as Kyle could all be there. Mark came too, which was great. It wasn't the same without Kelsey, and it'll be 2 more thanksgivings before she'll be with us! It's funny how I feel as if time is moving by so quickly except that her time there is going by so slowly. It was really hard to not see Mark for almost an entire week...it made me realize just how difficult this summer is going to be. I'm torn, lol! I love France, and I can't wait to go "home", but I don't want to leave Mark either. I want him to experience that with me. While it's going to be tough to be away from him, I also know that God wants me in France this summer, and that he has a plan. I just need to keep trusting in Him and depending on Him to get me through rather than me trying to fend for myself. I'm ready for school to be done with for the semester, if I can just hang in there for 9 more days of classes than i'll be golden! I'm excited for Christmas break, I think it's going to be fun. Ok I need to do some homework.............

yay for God!

2005-11-17T23:44:00.000-05:00

life has been good, more than just good, it's been fantastic. God just keeps working in my life, healing me, and He's showing me a new side of him. I'm really starting to see him as my dad, and that's how it should be. I think that's how God wants us to view him, that's all he really is....our daddy, and he just wants to love us up and hold us, and be our dad. i'm loving it! The way that I feel when I have God's arms wrapped tight around me is inexplicable. then to hear him whisper the words, 'i love you arwen', into my ear is like a million warm fuzzies all over. God is so amazing, he really is. when i see him like this, i just want that image to stay forever.
on a different note, i've been missing christine badly over these past few weeks. she has become one of my close friends and i feel like i never see her or talk to her anymore. i really miss her alot.
i bought a new hat today....now mark won't have to keep giving me his on our long walks. i can't wait for warmer weather, i'm not a fan of this snow, but i do like wearing sweaters lol. anyway that's it for tonight

early morning runs

2005-11-15T07:57:00.000-05:00

oh goodness....carebear made me run with her this morning. we got up at freaking 7am, and it was cold. yes i'm whining lol. and you know what i don't really care. grrr i wish my body could just be in shape without me having to do anything. hopefully it'll be like that in heaven cause that would be amazing. i guess everyone is just going to have to deal with my out of shapeness here, because i'm not really too motivated to get into shape, especially if it involves waking up before the sun is up.
i worked at V.S. for the first time last night, and it was GLORIOUS! i'm really going to like this job, although there is a lot to learn. hopefully i can do a good job, and they won't "let me go" after the holiday season is over. i really think i'm going to like working there. plus they give us a free bra everytime a new one is released, so last night i got the push up without the padding bra for free! it's AMAZING (the free bras of course). ok anyway, i need to do my arabic homework. much love!

take my hand

2005-11-13T17:47:00.000-05:00

a bump in the road, and as i look ahead i see mountains before us. not grassy and smooth, but moutains with peaks higher than the eye can see and jagged rocks built up around. the climb is hard, but if we make it we'll be that much stronger. the big looming question remains: how do we put God in the middle of it all? with God as our rock, we will spring over these rough surfaces. this feeling is indescribable, it fills my inner most yearning. everything that i am not, you are. how could i be disappointed, my expectations were not only met, but surpassed. every day away is like a knife cutting my heart, and every day together is as if time was in fast forward. if only there were a slow-motion button to savor the moments spent together.

"All a man's ways seem innoncent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord"
Proverbs 16:2

amazing

2005-11-08T23:20:00.000-05:00

i don't know how you do it, why you stick close by. if i were you, i would have taken off running after that first night. why you stay around is beyond my understanding, why you love me, why you are even remotely interested in me is confusing. i am in awe, how did i get this lucky? i don't deserve this!! you deserve so much better, but this much i do know to be true, if you left i would be wounded, i would be thrown down, defeated. you're part of this with me now, and i don't ever want you to leave me.

deep down you know the answer, all you have to do is find it

2005-11-08T19:03:00.000-05:00

is that really true, do i really know which choice i need to make? it feels like all i've done is soul searching and each time i come up empty, without coming to a conclusion. what does that all mean? i don't know how to just trust! i feel so inadequate to do this sometimes, i wonder if i'll ever get better, if it'll ever become easier, but somehow i just know that the answer is no. i always like challenges, but this is different. so do i just wait? or do i start in now? is this just a test to see if i can be committed, do i need to work on my patience before taking this step?? God wants to give us the desires of our hearts, and He's given me mine, but does that mean that this is the right timing? will the right timing be in 8 months? or is it now? i feel like all i do is wait and wait and wait. am i going crazy? what is this fear, i've never known this before. i don't want God to take this away from me. i know that i'll fight it to the end if he tells me no. this searing pain is burning a scar on my heart, will i make it out on top? if my world crumbles will i be able to stand up in the end with my hands lifted up in the air? if my world crumbles i fear i will too. i'm stumbling about ready to fall into the chasm below. i need something to catch me and throw me back up in the air. it's been too long on my own, i can't do this alone anymore. loneliness. this is not who i am, this is someone i don't know. i don't recognize who i've become or what i am anymore. identity crisis. where am i going, this anxiety overpowers me. Radiohead fits the mood perfectly. pensive. i would like nothing more than to slip back and find some comfort, but i know that it will only cut me deeper leaving me emptier than before. this is confusing, i'm not even sure of what i wrote. why am i so complicated!!!?

passion and purity

2005-11-01T15:52:00.000-05:00

I started reading elisabeth elliot's book, passion and purity today. i think it's really going to help me out with this time and how to pursue God in the midst of all that's happening relationally. It's kinda crazy to think about these things sometimes, to have these feelings, and to be completely content and safe where you're at. what does it all mean? it's scary in a good way to realize that so far this is God's leading. God wants to give me, Arwen, the desires of my heart, and to actually be given them is amazing. i'm in shock. sometimes i feel that God never gives us anything wihtout stipulations, but at the same time His timing is perfect, so no matter what happens at this point in time it's perfect in His will and His timing. This is God's plan right now, and He intended it to happen at this exact moment in time. This past week was the longest week of my life, but at the same time one of the best weeks of my life as well. I need to keep God first, and not lose my focus, because I definitely have let other things distract me, but I'm back on track now for sure this time. I was worried because I felt like things were going too fast, but now I'm comforted by them, because it doesn't change anything, it doesn't take us to a level that we shouldn't be at, it's just pure open honesty at its best, and that's ok. There are no lingering questions hanging over our heads, no awkward conversations, just the full possibility of being genuine and honest and real with each other. Sharing in our hurt and pain and struggles, as well as our joy and happiness. The good and the bad, and helping pick up the pieces afterwards, keeping each other on track spirtually and holding the other one accountable. Being responsible for their spiritual growth and encouraging each other to pursue God even more than before, being able to place God first and not the other person...that's what it's about. Seeking God together and learning what it means to become one in Christ, and creating a new identity that is focused on that, and keeping that as the guiding force for everything, that's what it is about. oh wow, God is just amazing, so are people.

this is amazing

2005-10-29T11:39:00.000-04:00

wow this is just blowing my mind. i feel so safe, and it feels so right, but is it? i feel as if time has flown by, when it's barely moved at all. i'm am just amazed and shocked time and time again, i don't know where this is coming from. this is special, and different, possibly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. i'm not sure what to do right now, it's confusing, but so exciting all at the same time. all i know is that this is going to be difficult, but we'll make it as long as we're depending on God, without that we'll fall so far and hard. i have this sense of peace that is taking over me and i feel so safe in his embrace that i never want to leave. i could just rest there forever.

2005-10-27T23:55:00.000-04:00

getting to know people sometimes hurts. you learn things about them that hurt you, not because they did something to hurt you, but because you are hurting for them, for the pain that they have to go through in life. sometimes i wish i could take their suffering and just take it away for a second...i just want to hold them and tell them that it's going to be ok. what is love? i'm at a loss right now

when you feel so tired but you can't sleep

2005-10-26T03:31:00.000-04:00

i hate it when i can't sleep. i want nothing more than to sleep right now...especially since i have to get up at 8am for class. i'm starting to get really really stressed out again, and i don't know how to not be stressed. i need to change that. i'm just so giddy right now and hyper that i can't sleep, it's driving me up the wall. it's funny how things work out, irony is a bitch sometimes. i knew this would happen, and now all i have to do is wait. it seems like that's all we do in life is wait. what sucks is that if i'm in france, then i'll have to wait even longer..........almost a whole year longer. but yay for God answering prayers. It just blows my mind what he can do when you just believe.
I love cara....we had such a good talk tonight, I've missed talking to her. We read our Bibles together and then prayed, it's like we're finally making that connection in our friendship, which is just amazing. Tomorrow's going to be a long long long long long day. I need a break, i have too many exams. i hope i did well in my french one today. i really studied alot for it. i'm nervous about this simulation thing that i have going tomorrow in my mc 220 class. i just don't know the different theories and theorists well enough, and i put so much value in my grades. i wish sometimes that i had little buttons that i could push and that would refine me. but my mom made a great point the other day: God made me perfect....if i was taller, less stressed, etc. then i wouldn't be perfect in God's eyes anymore. that's so neat. i am enough for God, but is it enough for everyone else? i don't know. goodnight!

235

2005-10-24T15:20:00.000-04:00

i haven't posted in a long long time, but for some reason i feel inspired to write today. maybe it's because i'm procrastinating, or maybe it's because i really truly want to write. in any case, this is being updated. life is funny how it works, we are always moving, but never in reverse, even though at times it may feel like it. right now, i'm coasting along a flat road, but i think i see a dip ahead. i've been so happy...possibly happier than i have ever been before. i love being happy without any reason at all. smiling is priceless...nothing makes me feel more warm and fuzzy inside than to see giggles pouring out of a little kids mouth, or to see the beauty in someone else's face. people are so beautiful. i've been learning so many of life's lessons lately, and it's been really good for me. it's difficult, but as our 9-J apartment would say: "it's character building".

it's so pretty outside right now...the dark storm clouds are rolling in contrasting against the brightly colored fall leaves. i think fall is one of the prettiest seasons. i like being able to walk outside in jeans and a sweater and be completely comfortable. this is perfect snuggling weather...but for now it'll just have to be me and my down comforter for snuggle buddies.

freshman move in day

2005-08-24T21:20:00.000-04:00

today was possibly one of the longest days of my life: Freshman Move-in Day. i know that when i have kids and i drop them off at college it's going to be so hard to let them go.

life has been tough lately. i've been depressed more times than not, and i often find myself in tears over stupid things. geez i'm crying just writing this post! why am i so emotional?! my cell phone doesn't work, and i've cried over it twice today. the littlest thing sets me off, and sends me in a downspiral. i feel so alone right now, once again i am surrounded by others. i just want my freaking phone to work!! my dorm phone doesn't work either. i'm a mess over stupid phones. this is rediculous. i just ate 4 oreos. they tasted good, i kinda want some milk now. this whole not dating thing for a year is hard, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

the power of prayer

2005-08-02T16:42:00.000-04:00

God never ceases to amaze me, nor do my parents. in spite of all of the hardships we caused them, they continue to love us, as well as keep us a part of their regular prayer life. it's so amazing to see their prayers answered, and mine as well. i've been praying that my one sister and brother would come to know Christ...that they would make their relationship with him personal, their own. well yesterday as i was driving to mt. pleasant with my sister, she started talking to me, and just started pouring out about how she's done with her old life, she's ready to let God come in. the words coming out of her mouth took me by surprise but gave me such a sense of joy and happiness for her. i love her so much, and now to know that she is connected to me even deeper, that feeling is undescribable. she's been ready for so long, and she finally decided that she was going to lay down her old life, and give up what she needed to in order to follow God. she told me today that she recommitted her life to Christ, to living a holy life. my parents have been praying for this day since her birth, and i've echoed their prayers since i've been a Christian. God works miracles, and it is so wonderful.

being at home is great. i'm so happy here. i do feel that it is easier for me to fall back into temptation, and i've been struggling with some of my old struggles. it's not the end of the world, i need to seek some more help. it still feels like i just came home yesterday. i've been missing my friends from LT alot lately, i really want to see them again soon.
i think my dad's prediction about me getting married first and having kids first is quickly proving itself to be wrong. i think his hopes for me to come in second place is also not looking so hot. eh, oh well.
love you all!

continuing LT thoughts

2005-08-01T12:22:00.000-04:00

so as i continue to reflect on my summer, i keep coming to realizations...so i liked what i wrote, so i'm going to share this with all of you. this is the letter that i will most likely be sending to all of my supporters, enjoy.

August 1, 2005
Dear Friends and Family,
I want to thank you again for your support and prayers for me over these past 10 weeks. I came home from Leadership Training (LT) in Orlando, FL on Thursday, and I have never been so glad to be back in Michigan.
Going to LT, I had many expectations for my summer, especially pertaining to the growth that I would encounter. I had wanted to be the Godly woman for the ladies in my apartment; the person that they turned to when they were going through trials. I selfishly saw myself as being the key person that would hold our community together. Fortunately, I was very wrong. Instead, I was the one who had to depend on the ladies in my apartment to support and love me while I underwent several trials and dealt with many struggles. It was a very humbling time for me.
The day I arrived in Orlando, I had been writing in my journal, “I can’t seem to let go of my old self. The harder I try, the more I want to keep that part of me alive. The scariest part in all of that is that I don’t want to give up these things…I know it’s selfish, but I don’t know what else to do. I give all of this up, and I’ll be left with nothing. I can’t seem to trust that God has better things in store for me.” Each week that I was at LT, God took away something that I had been relying on to get me through, rather than relying on God. My world, as I knew it, was turned upside down. Finally on Wednesday, July 13, 2005, God brought me to complete brokenness. It was a very lonely and painful time, and I didn’t know what to do. Earlier that week I had been reading Romans, and I stumbled across this verse, “ In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express,” Romans 8:26. I found that to be amazing. In my despair I cried out to God, begging Him to take away the struggles that were placed in my life, and the words coming out of my mouth were no longer mine. The intimacy that I had with God through that prayer was surreal, but at the same time, it was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced.
It dawned on me that I had learned to trust God, and to truly believe in Him. As I was reflecting back upon this summer trying to figure out what all happened, and what I learned, I have come up with a couple things thus far. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me,” 2 Corinthians 12:9. It was in my weakness, my brokenness, that God revealed himself to me, and showed me how much He does love and care for me. I understood what it meant to receive God’s grace.
I attended a church in Orlando, called Discovery Church, and I went to their service called Status. The pastor, AJ, was talking about Matthew 5, 6, and 7, and how our understanding of what being blessed means, it twisted. By God’s standards, being blessed does not mean getting good things, it means stripping everything away from us that we are depending on outside of God, so that we have nowhere to go except into God’s arms. Only then are we blessed. God took me to a place where I had absolutely nothing, except Him.
As I was sitting on the plane, I had an epiphany. The reason why God had to give me brokenness was because I was not willing to sacrifice all areas of my life to Him. I was not in a position to trust in His will for my life. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this would continue to happen to me unless if I was truly willing to surrender all areas of my life to Him, and trust God with my life. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity,” Jeremiah 29:11-14.
As I prepare myself to head back to Michigan State University, please keep me in your prayers that God would continue to shape me into the woman He created me to be. I cannot wait to go back to my home church and to continue reaching MSU for Christ. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support this past summer.
In Christ’s Love,
Arwen

home sweet home

2005-07-31T18:47:00.000-04:00

it is so beautiful being home. last night i went home home...up to state. i spent time with brown, and then at church i saw so many people. i was back with my family, and i missed them so much! i'm still trying to figure out what all just happened to me this past summer. i left for LT not really knowing what was going to happen, but having high expectations, and God came in and did the opposite. it was humbling in a way. i had thought that i was going to go down there and have an awesome community with my apartment and that since i already had my life on track with God, that i would be the one to be there for the other women in my apartment as they broke down and struggled and went through various trials. i would be the strong one...the godly woman. WRONG! instead i ended up having to depend on those around me, we had a horrible community, and they were the godly women for me. at first, in a way, i was disappointed, and i tried to mask my struggles, because i didn't want them to know, i wanted to appear as if everything was ok. but i do a really lousy job at hiding things, and they saw right through me. our community was bad because of me. i fought against it every step of the way. the struggles and trials that God brought into my life were like none that i have ever encountered before, their intensity, the pain. after 10 weeks of it, and having been home for 3 days now, i can truly say that LT was a great summer for me. i had an extraordinary experience and i wouldn't go back and change a thing. this summer opened my eyes to where i'm headed if i keep falling back to my old ways and if i keep trying to do things on my own. that was scary. i don't know what all happened and what all God showed me, i'm sure that i'll be figuring that out over these next few weeks and months. until then, i'm going to colorado for 4 days and i couldn't be more excited. theni move into school on the 12th and it's going to be so good to go home and be in my home church again. i can't wait!!!!!!

back in the big 'ol MI

2005-07-29T18:37:00.000-04:00

well i'm back home in michigan and it sure feels good. i landed in lansing and was so excited to see spartan stuff all over...i knew that i was back in my beloved spartan country! LT ended on wednesday and it was sad to say goodbye to several friends that i had made this summer. i was just at the point where i felt that i was making good friends and i was at a point where i felt like i was making an impact, and then i just up and left them all. so far being home is wonderful, i just miss my carpool very very much. seeing my parents is great, it was so hard to be away from them this summer. tonight i'm going out salsa dancing with my sister...it's her therapy i guess, so i figured i'd try it out with her! i think i need a month off from LT before i do anything, but hopefully 2 weeks will suffice. God did so much in 10 weeks, i'm still trying to figure out what all happened there. it's good to be home!

12 days...but who's counting, haha?

2005-07-17T21:27:00.000-04:00

only 12 more days left, and i couldn't be more excited. this past week has been quite the spiritual ride for me, and today was more emotional. i took a blow to the face when i called a girl who used to be my best friend. a fight ended our friendship, or atleast ended how close we were and it drastically changed how close we ever will be. when we talk on the phone now it's almost more out of duty than it is because we truly miss each other. i don't think i'm very good at being a friend. it seems that i have lost many close friends because of a fight or an argument or hurtful comments that were said and i held a grudge and couldn't move past it. it made me sad to realize that amy and i will never be best friends ever again...i've been replaced. talking with amy today was upsetting because there was such a distance between us.

it's not easy being green

2005-07-16T01:34:00.000-04:00

life has been extremely rough lately for me. i am maxed out in every way possible...it's rediculous. it's been so hard for me to trust God lately, and i've been feeling really far from Him, even though i know he's right there standing and walking with me. actually he's probably carrying me at this point in time. i feel like the more i open up to God in my life and the harder i try to develop a closer relationship with him, the more barriers there are. struggles arrive that i've never dealt with before and i don't know what to do with them. they're flying at me from every direction, and i keep getting hit over and over and over again. only 2 more weeks left, and i couldn't be more excited to going home. i've never been this homesick before. even when i was in europe it was never this bad. i think i could handle a full time job, OR, LT, but the 2 simultaneously is a little intense. i don't regret this summer at all, but i don't feel as if i was really told what would happen and what to expect out of it. had i known all of this, i probably would not have signed up lol. well it's officially been one month since i swore off dating for atleast a year, and to be honest it's been a very difficult month. i've grown a lot because of it, and i even had to admit to a guy that i liked him. that sucked, i was completely vulnerable, but it had to happen, because we were acting as if we were a couple (at least from my perspective), and i knew that we weren't guarding our hearts, and it was making my choice very hard to keep focused on God and not him. it was a good talk, and we've both really changed our behaviours, and it's not awkward at all...ok maybe a tiny bit, but i'll survive. being uncomfortable never killed anyone before. learning how to truly be friends with guys has been an amazing experience. i'm so thankful for my friends in my carpool i don't know what i would do without them. they are such wonderful people...those car rides are some of my best memories from LT. they've kept me sane. i'm just so tired. when it comes time to leave i will be sad, because i've made some great friends down here at work, and i'm going to miss them all dearly. i've been invited to one of their weddings next summer, and another one wants me to come back sometime in the fall for a weekend. they've meant a lot to me, and i've enjoyed hanging out with them. this summer has flown by...it seems like just yesterday we were arriving and lugging all of our stuff up to the 3rd floor of pegasus pointe 9-J!!! i'm feeling a bit disconnected again, and wondering where i fit in admist the clutter. i'm still searching, but i know that God will direct me. trust is key, without that i'm nothing. if only i could learn how to do it. how do you love God? it's so confusing. i love my parents and my brothers and sisters so so much, but the love i feel for them is different than what i feel for God. i don't know it's hard. how do you fall in love with God? i mean i respect God, i desire a relationship with him, i am trying to trust him, i want to know him, i want to glorify him and serve him with my life, but is that love? why don't i feel the same inside about him as i do my parents. i realize that it's a different type of love, but God is also my daddy...it's something to think about. well it's now 1:55am and i hear the little mermaid (my pillow case!!! ) calling my name!!! have a goodnight!

waxing = PAIN

2005-06-28T23:24:00.000-04:00

i got my first bikini wax today.....i'm kinda in pain. the lady who did it was cute though, she came over here from russia 6 years ago and was so nice. i'm just sore in general....i didn't think that what i was lifting with weights was really doing anything, but in all honesty i didn't think that it was really doing much lol. that just goes to show me what i don't know! or maybe it was just the fact that i ran like 2 miles for the first time in my life...which i need to keep doing. anyway tonight was so much fun. all of the girls got dressed up and we went to dinner. it was delicious...i'm pregnant with twins again! lol not really, we all ate a bunch. it was yummy. and i get next tuesday off with the other girls!!!!!!!!!!!!

status

2005-06-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

church was amazing tonight. we talked about prayer, and the things that AJ said and talked about really just helped me to understand prayer better, and how it draws me closer to God, and allows me to hear his voice with clarity. i'm going to try and do a daily quiet time of an hour...i mean i can do it. between my time in the morning and afternoon. i've been reading my french bible alot lately, which i've really enjoyed. it's so cool to be able to do that. i really miss speaking french. i need to find someone soon who speaks it. i'm not really homesick, but i'm really missing east lansing and everyone at school. i'm really excited to go back to msu...i sure will miss living with karen though!

peanut butter chocolate cookies

2005-06-25T15:24:00.000-04:00

so life is good. LT has continued to push me and help me grow each day. i'm excited to go back to MSU, and i finally feel like i have some direction in my life. isn't it ironic how life works sometimes? just when you give up something happens to make you believe and keep trying agian. i miss my friends.

speedo tan lines, 3pm storms, zinc oxide, and a nalgene

2005-06-17T12:07:00.000-04:00

well it's been a long time since i've posted, so i thought i should write something. i'm still figuring out the marriage thing, but i'm not wasting my time pondering the possibilities, God knows what he's doing, and i just am going to have faith in Him and in His plan for my life.
LT stands for Lots of Trials, and i think that is right. While there have been lots of trials, it's been satisfying at the same time, because it's pushing me to grow more and develop my worldview and really figure out what i'm believing and if i trust and have faith in God. It's been an amazing journey thus far, and for 6 the weeks that rest I only expect the same thing. I feel like LT has been bringing out the worst in me, and I'm seeing sides of me that i haven't seen in a year, 2 years, 5 years..., and even sides of me that I've never seen before. i was a little disturbed by this, because i haven't really enjoyed what i have seen and how the others around me have been seeing me lately, so i was talking with john about this and he was like: arwen, there is a group of 100 solid Christians who are seeking deeper relationships with Christ, and learning how to be Christian leaders who want to change and reach the world for Christ...do you really think satan is going to just turn his back and not try to attack?? and it hit me, DUH, of course! not to say that it's the sole reason for these things, but it definitely adds to it. i've just been realizing how selfish i am with everything, i want to change that, because it's not about me. none of this is, it's about God and serving him, not serving myself, and having others do the same.
as for work, it's going well. i'm really enjoying my carpool and getting to know the people better. as for coworkers, i'm working with some great people, and i really enjoy going into work. there's such a great satisfaction in teaching swim lessons. at the beginning the kids don't even know how to swim, and after 2 weeks, they're floating on their own, and they can swim to you, and it's so rewarding. kids are great, they're so full of energy and spirit and want to have fun.
as for the french, i really need to find someone to speak it with. i was talking to a friend in belgium today and i made so many mistakes that i normally don't. it makes me cry. i miss it so much it really hurts. i would give anythingt o go to france/belgium again.

pensive again

2005-06-07T19:02:00.000-04:00

i've been raised to believe that God has created us to be with one person (for those of us that aren't called to a life of singleness), and that when we're obedient to God, and following his path, that He'll put us together in his timing. but lately everyone is saying that there are mutiple people that we could end up with, and whoever we choose becomes the "right" one for us. i just don't agree with that. if that were true, then i would already be miserably unhappy with my "right" one right now. i would probably have kids by now. i mean maybe i'm old-fashioned, but why would God create mutiple people that He could potentially have us marry? God doesn't promote polygamy. when will i be fulfilled through God alone? i long for the day

on another note, work is going better today. yesterday was a little hard because i didn't really know what i was doing lol. but today was great. we had to shut down the pool early because of thunderstorms. i'm really thankful for the people i'm getting to know. i feel bad, because i keep calling this girl from LT corey, but her name is CARLY!!! oh goodness, i'm losing my mind again.

i heart my job!

2005-06-07T00:02:00.000-04:00

i started work today, and it felt SO good to finally get back into a routine. i feel so OCD without one, and panicky almost, weird...i know. but anyway, work was tough today, but i like a challenge, and i want to succeed, i don't want my kids to run away screaming from me when i try to give them swim lessons! it's so rewarding to watch the kids progress, although i must admit part of me today just sat there going...what have i gotten myself into, i can't do this?? i think these first 2 weeks will be good learning experiences and they'll get me back into the swing of things, from there on out it should be a lot easier. i'm also getting to know some of the other guards which is really nice. i'm really blessed with my job, because it's allowing me to expand my circle and also get to know some other people in LT that aren't with MSU. i ride with 4 people from u of m, and they're great. i have a good time talking with them and they're great people. it's comforting to know that i am not the only one at the Y, that i have those 4 people. i got a little crispy today but nothing to worry about. the message tonight was great, love and unity. it got me thinking, how can i love those around me more? and the question that john posed, how can we get those around us to grow more (or something like that)? i'm loving all of this stuff, because it's really making me feel things out and just think about things that i have never taken the time to think about before. ok i need to read about swim lessons and read the bible a bit before bed! goodnight everyone!

it's fun to stay at the YMCA!!

2005-06-06T00:25:00.000-04:00

wow i'm hyper tonight! well today was amazing! we found a church that was alot like riverview that i really want to stay at. i met a girl, beth, at work tonight who also goes to that same church, as well as a guy in our apartment complex, pegasus pointe, who goes there as well. we also met a creepy guy who was sweaty but we won't talk about him. but anyway all of the people that i met tonight are super nice and fun, and i think i'm going to be able to make some great friends through the Y! i'm excited about what God's going to do this summer, i have to admit i was a little down earlier this week, but today hit the spot, i'm ready to work tomorrow and i think it's going to be great. anyway bedtime! much love!!!

first thessalonians

2005-06-02T17:15:00.000-04:00

so miranda, emily, and i all chose 3 books from the new testament to read together this summer, so this week is 1st thessalonians. i've read one chapter thus far and am blown away. this is my desire for my faith, to be like the thessalonians (unless if they really screwed up badly, then i don't want to be like them, lol) v.6 "you became imitators of us and of the Lord; in spite of severe suffering, you welcomed the message with the joy given to you by the Holy Spirit" v.8 "the Lord's message rang out from you not only in Macedonia and Achaia-your faith in God has become known everywhere..." i just find that to be amazing.

The Artist and the Audience

2005-06-02T11:26:00.000-04:00

by Kennan Burch (this was given to us last night and i really like the imagery)
The Artist has given me a ticket to the concert of life. His all-consuming music touches every part of me
Everything I see, hear, touch, taset, smell, and even comprehend are part of the music of the Artist.
May I never forget that I am the audience and not the artist, that I am the receiver and not the giver!
For I'm tempted at times to summon The Artist to recognize me for my song. And to woo others in the audience to hear me too,
But I find the sound of my song drowns out the music of the Artist.
It is only when I lay down my own instrument and focus towards the stage, that I begin to hear music loud and clear,
music so consistent i cannont imagine and Artist with such rhythm
music so beautiful that i cannont imagine an Artist with such creativity
music so vast i cannont comprehend an Artist so big
music so complex i cannont imagine an Artist with such intelligence
music so intricate i cannont imagine an Artist with such attention to detail
music with such diverstiy i cannot imagine an Artist with such imagination
music so vibrant i cannont imagine an Artist with such life
music so freely given i cannot imagine an Artist with such love

may i never choose to ignore the music of The Artist, or attribute the music to mere happenstance, for therein would lay my greatest offense.
It is written that The ARtist knit me together in my mother's womb, that he knows when i get up, and when i lie down, and that he counts the very number of hairs on my head.
for an Artist so great, to invite me to His concert, and play His songs for me...I am honored, I am humbled, and His music is certainly worthy of my attention.
may i not perform good works out of duty, but may i enjoy the music so much that my natural response is the applause of good works
may my life not be known for the things that i have done,
but for the music i hear, the praise i express, and for encouraging others to listen to the music
in so doing The Artist will be honored, i'll enjoy the concert, and maybe you might find new meaning behind the music and join in the applause of The Artist.
but the ultimate experience lies not in simply enjoying the music and applauding The Artist, it is found when I lay down my life and become an instrument in the hands of The Artist and he begins to play music through me, that is where i find meaning, purpose, and a heart that comes fully alive.
may we all enjoy the music, applaud The Artist and become instruments of His music to a world in desperate need of hearing it.

God is AMAZING!

2005-05-31T19:01:00.000-04:00

wow the coolest thing ever!!! i was at the YMCA today, and was told that there are some other people from michigan here, working for the summer. so i passed one of the guys in the hall today, and it turns out that he's from LT, and there are a total of 4 people in the carpool, and they're willing to take me to and from work everday. God works miracles, he's so amazing, it made me so happy...really god rocks. plus now i can give my bus pass to a homeless person that would get more use out of it than i would. wow this is amazing! i'm so pumped right now!

rainy days

2005-05-31T11:03:00.000-04:00

i like rainy days. i woke up to the sound of rain pouring and it was amazing, it just was surrounding me. last night there was a beautiful thunder and lightening show. i absolutely love thunderstorms, they're so powerful, it's like watching a performance art show, because it always changes each time.
on a different note, i have to go into the YMCA today to take my lifeguarding recertification test, and i'm a little bit nervous, but at the same time, i've studied and done my work, so i don't think God would have provided me with this job for me to go in and fail. then again last night John said that God always does what we don't expect when we dream, so maybe this is go ing to be a trial? who knows, either way i just need to trust and have faith.
i miss my brother, benj. we haven't talked in about 3-4 weeks, and we normally talk every week for 2 hours or so. he has a new girlfriend and i think this is the one, i haven't met her but somehow the way he feels for her is different than all of the other women he's dated. so all that meaning that he's spending a lot of time with her and doesn't have as much time to talk with everyone else. i understand that i really do, i just miss him.
things in the apartment are going well...karen and i have been having some good conversations at night. i feel like we're 10 and having sleepovers, only everynight! the other women that i'm living with are amazing too. they're so supportive and loving, i am really blessed to have them around.
yesterday elizabeth, emily, and i checked out this cafe that's something like natura or something, it was so good, and the owners were really nice. plus it's a mile away and they're open till 1 or 2 am, which menas we have a place to go hang out. they have open mic nights, and something different every week night, so we're going to go check it out. anyway i need to get back to ymca stuff. leave some love!!!

bad days

2005-05-30T18:49:00.000-04:00

today was the day to have a bad day, i rode 2 hours on the bus to get to work where they proceeded to tell me that they forgot to tell me that they didn't need me to come in today, elizabeth was harrassed by a dirty cop and was threatened to be arrested, i tried to buy groceries at walmart with money that wasn't on a card, emily wasn't feeling well and was pissed...oh what a glorious day

pensive

2005-05-29T13:14:00.000-04:00

i hate when i get into those thinking modes, where all you do is just sit and ponder life issues. i've been feeling alone, but at the same time i want it. if i don't get enough time on my own each day i go crazy. i've been blessed to not have the same work schedule and job as everyone else, because it's given me the freedom to do my own thing, and i'm learning more and more everyday that i LOVE doing my own thing and being on my own. i love not being with people. i can take them in small groups, but being in a large group, like say our project is almost too much for me. i can't handle it. i'm really stressed out financially for the moment, and i ned to just give it to God, but it's so hard to let that go. Being around people stresses me alot of times, i just can't function, it's like i don't know what to do, i can't be myself. part of me just wants to go home, not because i don't like LT, but just because i want to be away from people. i just want to take like a month and not have anyone around, just be with myself. i know that's selfish. i miss my brother, Benj. I want to go on a trip with him to france again, that was so neat. we were in the most beautiful place in the world and it was just amazing. my heart hurts because i want to be there again. we're supossed to go to the beach but by the time we freaking leave, we might as well just turn around and go back. i just want to like scream at everyone and freaking GO!!!!! complaining...it's addicting and we're doing too much of it, it needs to stop.

serendipity

2005-05-29T00:21:00.000-04:00

today i watched the movie serendipity, and i had an evening filled with girl talk. talking about marriage and future husbands always leaves me pondering if there is one person for us, or several potential partners. as a Christian i have always believed that God has one person set for us, that He is preparing that person to be with us, and us with him. maybe it was too little girlish of me to believe that there is one person for everyone that is going to be married. i don't know, i had never heard different until this past year in my housechurch. now i'm not so sure anymore, i mean if we're following God's path for our lives, then we should end up marrying the person he created us to be with, right? i guess it's not even that big of a deal because really God will take care of things and all i need to do is put my faith and trust in Him and be obedient. so i think i'm going to keep my beliefs of there being a prince charming that God has intended just for me....

GWB

2005-05-27T12:38:00.000-04:00

i was reading my favorite paper this morning...the NY Times, and there was an article about my most beloved president (please note the sarcasm), and how he can't separate his faith from the choices he makes policy decisions or implements new laws. this was a theme that we briefly touched on in mc 202 towards the end of the semester, as a Christian in a government position how can you incorporate your beliefs into impacting the community. because if you only make decisions as a christian then you're most likely not voting to meet the needs of your surrounding community, but at the same time you can't just "check your faith at the door" in the words of i think souder...maybe it was cuomo. ugh i want my book, one electorate under god. there were some great essays in there about this. i miss class, i know i'm a dork, but i really miss my madison classes, i never thought i would say this ever. wow i am a nerd

score for v-tech people!

2005-05-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

tonight was beautiful! since i'm not working at universal i had the luxury of having the whole day off. i got to spend some time with our project staffer at starbucks, which was fun. it turned out that he randomly knew the guy who got us our drinks and he's a local pastor. we had some good conversation, and we ended up going to dinner with some people from virginia tech, it was so yummy...it was called like bubbaloos or something, good bbq ribs. afterwards, we went and hung out and played games, it was so neat we played celebrity and then loaded questions. i've got to do something tonight that i don't really want to do...i have to sever ties. but i need to give up things so that God can come in and do bigger things in my life. it's so hard to trust that He's got better things in mind than i ever will. anything that i could ever imagine in the perfect life, God is going to top that without barely lifting his finger. this summer is going to be amazing, i'm really excited about what God is going to do...giving up things is going to be hard, but so worth it. I feel like i have my passion for Him back, i kinda lost it while i was at my parent's house, but being down here and surrounded by all of these hardcore christians has brought me back to my senses. it's so cool to see over and over again how sweet Jesus is and how much i love God...seriously without him, i would be so screwed. anyway, time to go to bed...i dunno though karen's kinda lost it for the time being.

91 degrees, laying out by the pool, florida...

2005-05-23T18:46:00.000-04:00

ahhh things are great! florida is WONDERFUL, and LT is interesting. God's shown me alot already through the 4 sermons/sessions that I went to yesterday. I'm expecting alot from this summer, I just didn't forsee this coming so soon, but I'm going full speed ahead, I just want to take it and hang on. The women that i'm living with are amazing, I'm really blessed to have 6 awesome roomies! things have been a little crazy just getting things for the apartment and food and such. i have to go to the YMCA tomorrow and start my recertification process. I have to take the bus there and i'ma little scared, lol, i'm worried that i'm going to get lost and stuff, but we'll see! it'll be an adventrue. anyway, i must go to my training session. leave me some love!

mark sommerlot

2005-05-17T21:03:00.000-04:00

mr. mark sommerlot who always rips on me for saying YUP just im'd me and said yup

hot cooking mama

2005-05-12T21:45:00.000-04:00

yeah that's right, i've been cooking so much it's ridiculous (yay, it's spelled right!). i've just been a little hot betty crocker mama! my sister was sick, so i made her some delicious homemade chicken noodle soup. unfortunately she didn't stop by so i could give it to her. that's ok though, i'll try to give it to her tomorrow. i had a break down tonight with my madre. poor thing, she always listens to me when i cry! fat free cool whip is so yummy.............lol. i made a ring today. it's beautiful! just like the ones that were in belgium. i've been scrapbooking too, i just want to get it over with!! well speaking of scrapbooking, mine is calling me...ugh. you can call me if you want to keep me entertained!

4333

2005-05-11T17:24:00.000-04:00

well life at the padres is uneventful as usual. i'm getting ready to leave for florida next week, and also to see my sister on wedensday. it's stressing me out. she's such a high intensity, and we just don't connect anymore...i don't really miss her as heartless as that sounds. my padre and i have been running in the morning, it's a good time. i'd like to get in better shape. i'm nervous about going to LT, and about living with 7 other women. i just feel like thsi summer is going to stress me out. i wish i didn't get so stressed so easily. i've been picking out paint colors for my room and bathroom. i just finished picking out the color of wood and style of cabinets for my bathroom. i have the sweetest mirror in the whole world. my room i sgoing to be beautiful. i have this huge window that i'm excited about. i have this idea for a room in my head, and i'm scared that it's not going to turn out anything like it. grr...i want to get married, and have a boyfriend. watching the wedding channel makes me want to be with someone even more. watching the wedding channel alwasy makes me cry...i'm becoming too emotional lol

back in ttown

2005-05-07T22:34:00.000-04:00

hmm well i'm back at my parents' house for the time being. i'm supposed to be leaving for florida sometime next week, but i don't really know when yet. i guess i should call the ymca and find out when they want me to start. it's weird not being at school and not seeing everyone. i went back to church tonight and that was cool. i'm tired.

c'est la vie, c'est la vie, oh la la!

2005-05-04T23:35:00.000-04:00

i have this song from a french commerical stuck in my head. and my tummy hurts because i've been eating way too much junkie food lately. but i had a really good french thing tonight and it was amazing!!!!!! i leave for LT in like a week i think and i'm so excited. i cannont WAIT to go. in other news, i finished 2 out of 3 exams today and i am now preparing for the third one. oh it's exciting, watch out world! i met w/HC people to plan housechurch for the fall, and i'm looking forward to starting school again in the fall. ok back to writing my essays!

exam week

2005-05-01T19:48:00.000-04:00

well i am surprisingly not at all stressed out so far about this week. i have all kept on top of things so far and it's working out really well. I finished my mc 112 research paper so tomorrow i'm going to prepare my presentation for it, and re-edit it and prepare my portfolio, as well as study for math, and outline my mc 202 arguments. plus work : (
I'm getting really excited for this summer!!! I will hopefully hear back from the YMCA in orlando sometime this week as to when i have to start. i think i'll be going down sometime next week.
being at my parents' house this weekend was great...no whirring annoying computer sounds, no NOTHING, just my own peaceful, noiseless, wonderful room, with a comfortable bed!
I've been listening to the Jars of Clay Redemption Songs a lot. I love it, I can't get enough of it! It's so amazing, these hymns are absolutely beautiful, it's so comforting to know that the people who wrote these songs howevery many decades/centuries ago experienced the same things as we do today!!
ok well off to find something else to do...

10 days and counting

2005-04-27T18:20:00.000-04:00

well, this school year sure is quickly coming to a close!! it's scary how quickly time passes...before i know it, i'll be 56 years old. my sister is turning 30 on friday, so i'm going back to my parents to celebrate with her, or maybe cry with her. i'm not sure which one. 30, single, the only thoughts that pop into my head about that are from the movie 13 going on 30..."i want to be 30, flirty, thriving and fun" or something like that. i hope my sister feels that way, cause i know that it is generally a depressing birthday. if by the time i am 30, i am still single, i set up some back up husbands, lol, but i doubt taht they'll still be available by then. i think i'm going to france and belgium at the end of my summer in august. i called my brother kyle the other day to see if he wanted to go with me, and i didn't get to talk to him, but i think he might just want to do it...that would be great. i think it'd be really neat to spend some time with him. plus it would help out my french, and i'd hopefully get to see thomas, and then my family over there too!! ahh, i hope i can go.

i heart cara!

2005-04-24T20:49:00.000-04:00

AWWW! cara's the best! she came and took care of me today, she brought me chicken noodle soup, bread, tea, and gatorade, and sat with me while i ate it. what a good friend! i told her i'd repay her back next year! which i totally will, i'm so excited about her being my suitemate. she's the best!

sickness has consumed me

2005-04-23T21:00:00.000-04:00

ick, i'm sick. fever, chills, runny nose, sinusy crap, you name it it hurts! i just want my mommy to come and take care of me! my daddy drove up to see me, and to take back a bunch of my stuff...couch, winter clothes (although i think i might need them now), etc. i didn't want him to leave, i just wanted someone to spend some time wiht me and take care of me!! i'm all alone up here.....

i found a job!!!

2005-04-21T18:22:00.000-04:00

i'm so excited, i don't want to say it's definite yet, but i most likely have a job lifeguarding with the downtown orlando YMCA!!! i was talking w/my padre on the way to class this morning, and i was telling him how the Y nearest to the apartments isn't hiring, and how i was discouraged. so he asked me if i had called anywhere else, and i told him that i had called 4 other ymca's in orlando and had left messages, and that i was planning on calling them every day until i was able to speak the aquatic director in person. and i was just telling him how i know that God wants me in orlando (yay for the people who supported me!!), and so i know He has a job in mind for me, but that i really didn't want to work at Universal or Seaworld. I think it'd be ok for like 2 days and then i'd hate it. so my dad is just like arwen, you need to trust that God will provide a job for you, and aren't you going to LT for a bigger purpose than to make money? i was like yeah you're right, it just worries me because working at the theme parks will set me back, but i know i just need to trust God that something will open up for me. sure enough, as soon as i said that, my call waiting starts going off. so i look at my cell phone and it's a 407 number..i'm like who the heck is 407, and then it hits me ORLANDO! so i hung up with my dad, and i answered and it was the Y from downtown orlando, and she wants to hire me and is sending me an application that she wants me to fill out asap and send it back to her!!! God is so good!

the beauty of silence

2005-04-20T22:47:00.000-04:00

"silence is beautiful"-amy dripchak
amy talked about how people use TV and cell phones to fill up the silence because it's scary it causes them to question and wonder about things that they would rather not deal with. as i watch the people that i see the most, it's true. i can think of one person in particular, always making noises, or something, calling people every 10 seconds, talking online 24/7, and if all of that fails, sleep. it's sad to think about. i have come to appreciate the silence. i was given an mp3 player for christmas that i rarely use, because on my way to class i'd rather talk w/God or just soak in the beauty that surrounds me, just listen to myself and hear what God's telling me.

weird dreams

2005-04-20T10:36:00.000-04:00

last night i dreamed that my sister, jessie, got engaged to this guy that she's kinda dating but kinda not. it was so weird, because she put the ring on her right hand on purpose so that i wouldn't know. everyone seemed really happy about it, except her.
i also dreamed that i was getting tortured for some reason, and that i was in germany or something, but i didn't understand the german so i started speaking in french w/one of the guards and he understood, and was really nice to me...i don't know.
both of them were really weird!!!!!!!

3629

2005-04-19T15:32:00.000-04:00

that's how many days until i get married. my friend pete figured it out, which makes me laugh.
in other news i absolutely KILLED my feet today, me being the smartie that i am wore newer shoes to class today, and i have more blisters on my feet now than i have ever had in my entire life combined. i'm absolutely loving this weather!! it's so beautiful outside, it just makes me smile.

yawn

2005-04-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

i'm tired

i love this!

2005-04-17T21:36:00.000-04:00

i stole this from a friend's LJ, i hope that person doesn't mind, but i just love the way this is written, it's beautiful absolutely beautiful (yes that's my new word)

The steps we take, taking us.I invision myself stepping through a door and into a sunlit day my shoes clunking heavily on the ground. A Dream about life I guess, a vision might even fit what I see. All I know is I can see far enough to know that I am heading in the right direction. I step left and avoid a branch on the ground take a few steps and step in some mud then a hole. But then I find a few dollars and things aren't so grey. It is my journey on the road of life I conclude. It's not easy and sometimes I walk so far without water or food and the goal seems so far. No map and no plan of attack I am discouraged. But I drive myself toward the finish line just a few more steps just a few more steps. I step through life and life is hard. Hard to forget the good times and the bad times. Hard to explain the feeling that are indescribable. I conclude life is not only a journey but an abstract thing. It breathes and walks with us but it also stops and holds us back. Life indescribable beautiful horrible nothing and something. No words to describe no ballads to recite I walk no map in hand and no plan of attack. A man a life an abstract feeling.

beauty

2005-04-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

i've been finding more and more infinite beauty in the nature that surrouns me. last night i went on a walk with my friend matt and we walked along the red cedar and sat on some rocks right by the dam i think. looking to my right it was serene and the water was placid, but then immediately in front of my eyes the water was rushing over these rocks. it was so mesmorizing to watch, and absolutely beautiful.

baptism

2005-04-16T23:02:00.000-04:00

tonight at church was AMAZING! there were about 20 people who were baptised, and it was so awesome you could just feel God's presence there. it was so beautiful to just see all of those people proclaiming their obediance and love of God. it made me cry out of joy, God just surrounded that building, and his presence was so powerful. I was just filled up with this completeness all over again. God never ceases to amaze me. i'm so proud of my friend Angela for standing up and proclaiming this in front of all of her friends and family that she will be on fire for God for the rest of her life, her exact words were, "I will be on fire for you for the rest of my life". wow.

un nez français??

2005-04-16T00:16:00.000-04:00

QUOI?! un mec m'a dit que j'ai un beau nez français, et qu'est-ce que ça veut dire? comment peut quelqu'un trouver que j'ai un beau nez. c'est l'object que je déteste le plus sur mon visage. bon peut-être il est fou, j'en sais rien moi. j'ai vu un beau film ce soir, mais ça m'a fait triste car ça me faisait penser à la france. elle me manque beaucoup trop. j'ai aussi regardé un film français ce soir, Dieu est grand et je suis toute petite. c'était magnifique. bon je vous laisse je vais trouver une autre chose à faire, parce que le mec que je voudrais voir ce soir n'est pas sur AIM donc on ne peut pas s'arranger...peut-être c'est mieux comme ça. je ne peux pas l'aimer, pas pour le moment.

what's golden...

2005-04-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

today is wonderful, sunny, blue sky, flowers, trees are pretty! i'm loving this weather, it's the best! i'm going to see Jars of Clay tonight at SAU! I'm excited, because i'll get to see 2 of my good friends, and i get to hang out with one of my friends from housechurch that i don't know very well, so it's a win-win situation. it's amazing how little stress i'm under right now. seriously i don't remember the last time when i wasn't stressed! it's amazing, and i love it! out of my family, i'm the stresser/worrier, i got that from my madre. i can't believe there are only 2 weeks of classes left and then one week of exams!!!! it's kinda crazy, this semester FLEW by. in a way it's scary, if my first year went by this fast, i just wonder how quickly the rest will pass by. someone told me last year (before going to europe), "you blink your eyes twice and it's all over"...i like that

i'm boycotting papers

2005-04-12T21:11:00.000-04:00

i'm about all papered out! between mc 202 and mc 112, plus my french composition, i don't want to see another paper that i have to write for like 10 years! i just want someone else to do it, i'm to the point where i don't really know what i think about these subjects, nor do i remember the arguments that Bulliet and Lewis made about Islam and modernity. while these are relevant issues, writing papers about them in my intro to public affairs class is not going to solve anything.
on a different note, my friend Gabe is in the hospital. his appendix burst!!! i'm going to visit him tomorrow, i hope he's ok.

i stole this from abby's profile, but i like it alot!

2005-04-12T00:24:00.000-04:00

Find a guy who calls you "beautiful" instead of "hot." Who calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will lay under the stars & listen to your heartbeat or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who pursues you, who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you're in sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who thinks you're the prettiest when you have no make-up on & insists on holding you around the waist. The one who constantly reminds you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you. The one who turns to his friends & says "that's her."

2.75

2005-04-11T20:34:00.000-04:00

sigh, i don't know why i place so much importance in grades, but i just do. my huge research project that i've been working on for 3 weeks, i finally was given it back today. i worked so hard on it, and i was proud of what i had done, because i learned so much, and was really excited and passionate about the subject. i felt like i had done the job fairly well. well my prof agreed that i had done a nice job on the project, but she said that my topic was too broad and so therefore she gave me a 2.75. i'm so discouraged by that!!! i feel that my grades are a reflection of the quality of my work, and i don't feel that it's an accurate portrayal of what i turned in. it's going to bring my GPA down, when i was trying to raise it. this semeseter is pretty much kicking my butt. i just am really frustrated right now, because all i want is to meet my teachers expectations, and the harder i try it seems the further away from meeting them i am. that doesn't seem right.

qdoba deliciousness

2005-04-09T22:59:00.000-04:00

i'm so happy today! i'm starting to feel like myself again, or maybe it's that i'm finding myself again. God has been super cool!!! I was overloaded with so much this past week, and i swear that it wasn't school work that was stessing me out (ok maybe just a lil bit), just some of the things that came my way. basically a build up of stuff throughout this whole semester, and i just hit my breaking point. and i just sat there and was like God, I can't handle this, and God was like ok Arwen, all I wanted you to do was call out to me and ask me for help! and i was like Ok I NEED HELP BIG TIME!!!!! and God was like, ok it's going to be alright, i'm going to take care of it. and He did. after Housechurch on wednesday i talked with christine and just unloaded, and then thursday i just felt relaxed, not stressed, not worried. i just knew that things were going to be ok. for the first time this semester, i hung out w/my friends until 2am just talking, and then last night i went and hung out with another friend and just watched a movie. i've missed just spending time with people. it's tough trying to balance your time! well i do need to get a little bit of homework done! oh and tonight meredith and i walked to qdoba, and it was a good yummy time. i pushed her in the sears shopping cart, and we're going to go back and try on prom dresses for fun!!!!!!!! now on to that paper about the race conference........

this pretty much matches my week/life

2005-04-06T18:34:00.000-04:00

i went to the bathroom today, and i stood up and turned around to flush. i bent over to flush, and as i hit the button, my favorite lipgloss fell out of pocket. i jumped back, hoping it would hit the ground, but it fell too quickly into the swirling waters below. upon falling into the whirlpool, it immediately went to the bottom, and was flushed out. gone, never to be seen again, stolen by the toilet. grrrrrrrrr

sunshine

2005-04-05T21:57:00.000-04:00

i love the sun! it's so pretty outside, and nice. i could get lost in this forever, and i'd be ok with that. i talked to thomas today, i miss him alot. i wish there was a way, but not at this point in time...maybe one day if i wish upon a star my wildest dreams will come true. maybe he was the one for me, maybe he was the love of my life. will that just go unnoticed, did i miss my one chance? to do something crazy and fool the expectations of those around me, get high from the excitement, danger, curiosity, that's living. that's breathing. give me something more, i want to feel the tingle in my toes, and the wind playing in my hair. i need something to hold on to, reach out your hand to me, and pull me away. together, you and me, we can be this dream, make it come true. just whisper the words and i'll go. anything for you.

32 days left

2005-04-04T19:14:00.000-04:00

well, there's only 32 days left for school, counting weekends. i don't feel like subtracting the weekends, but that's not a whole lot left. i feel like everything is piling up right now. i'm really depressed right now, i failed a math exam. i really tried hard and i walked away feeling confident that i did well. there was one problem where i got 0 out of 15 points...that's just not right, i shoul dhave gotten partial credit because i atleast set it up right. i needed to 3.0 this class ATLEAST, and now it looks like i'm going to get a 2.5, and this is going to screw my GPA over. i've never done this bad in school before, and i can't stand it. my friend john, nicely reminded me that i'm not in charge of all of this, God is. i know that, but my grades mean so much to me, and it's hard to accept anything less than what i expect of myself. i hopefully have the rest of my sources for my huge research project. it's turning out to be fascinating, and i just came up with a whole new twist that is just absolutely genius. i had like this huge revolutionary idea spark in the midst of my search for some books! it was great. i miss france so badly it really does hurt. i cry everytime i look at pictures of it because i want to be there more than anything else. people keep asking me, so you go over there and then what? i don't care what i do over there, just to live there, and be HOME. i get so sad just thinking about it, i can't stand this. i just want to go home, i don't want to be here anymore.

back home

2005-04-03T20:23:00.000-04:00

well after a whirl-wind trip down to st.louis, i finally made it back from what seemed to be the longest car ride of my life. even longer than the trip down to florida over spring break. i am definitely glad to have more estrogen around me. even though we lost the game, it was still a hell of a lot of fun in st. louis. i am exhausted, and i'd like nothing more to pass out right now, but i need to do my homework for tomorrow, and apparently the only thing of importance today is talking significant others, ugh. i can't wait for school to be out.

happy birthday to me!

2005-03-28T23:00:00.000-05:00

well it's here...almost 1 hour to go and i'm 20. i went to dinner w/my parents and my sister. it was nice, a little sad though, i miss my brothers and my other sister. she called me today and i didn't recognize her voice. i think i upset her. it upset me at how much we've lost touch. i got what i asked for for my birthday....my dictionary and thesaurus, as well as some other things too, but those made me kinda happy. other than that, not too much...i bought final four tix, and hope that i'll get them w/o having to go through a lottery. we shall see...i could possibly get way screwed over here. GO STATE!

-

2005-03-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

church tonight was tough. it was really tough for me to sit there and hear some of the things Steve talked about...i guess i just haven't (or possibly wanted?-but that doesn't make as much sense to me) been able to accept all that he said. the one song just made me cry because it's all i want...i don't remember the exact words, but something along the lines of 'hear my cry to you'...i wish i could remember things. i just don't seem to be able to remember anything. life sucks sometimes. i have no desire to go home and talk to my parents. they are so wise, and i just don't know that i can handle them right now. i don't want to work tomorrow either. i don't really want to do anything for that matter, i just want to be alone. i flipped out on my friend tonight for trying to give me a hug-that's just not right. why does it have to be like this sometimes. isolation and emptiness.

oh victory is glorious!

2005-03-26T15:55:00.000-05:00

ELITE EIGHT BABY

ROCK ON SPARTATNS

NEXT MATCH UP:

SUNDAY 5:05pm v. University of Kentucky

my prediction: it's going to be a toughgame, but if we kick ass like we did v. Duke, then look out FINAL FOUR here we come, and we aint gonna let nobody get in our way, anderson, davis, brown, neitzel, ager, torbert, all those boys just need to give us what they did last night and victory is going to taste oh so sweet.

oh and for all of you assholes who didn't believe in our team last night, what do you think now?! that's what i thought

GO STATE

2005-03-25T13:30:00.000-05:00

oh my goodness, i am so excited for tonight's game! i had a dream about it last night, and we kicked Duke's ...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my friend jeff showed me this awesome website: http://www.truthaboutduke.com/index.php it's so funny! God is so cool! for real, i mean it. things financially have been rough, and yesterday he just pretty much worked everything out, and it's really comforting to know that He's looking out for me. I think getting the mail is a highlight of my day, especially when I get something! I'm slowly coming to terms with my age. It sure is going by fast. Sometimes I just feel as if I haven't done anything at all with my time, and before I know it, I'll be 75, thinking of today as if it was only yesterday. I remember being a little girl, and sometimes it feels as if I still am, and then I look at the year and see that it's 2005. I remember New Year's eve 1999, as if it was just this past year. It's been quite the journey so far, and I don't want to stop it for one second, ok well maybe one or two, but man it's flying by. I miss being 5 years old, carefree. Sometimes I wish I could have stayed that age forever, never having to experience many aspects in life, and going through rough times, and being hurt. It was great, just being happy and secure. My biggest problem then was who to play with on the playground...if only it were still that simple! Ok, it's back to the books!
holy crap am I excited for this game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO STATE!

boredom in B403

2005-03-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

ugh, i'm bored out of my mind. i have things to do...i have been informed that i am now in the college of nerds because i planned out my schedule. not only did i make one version, but i made a second one in case if the sections i prefer in version one are taken. obviously, version one is my preferred schedule, but i'm flexible. i'm only taking 14 credits, it seems like i should be taking more, since i'll only have 4 classes. each semester here i've had 5 classes, so only 4 will be weird.
my roommate is teaching me about latin/spanish music. it's the most sexual stuff ever, like it seems to me that they only talk about sex. she told me that it's really graphic too...for some reason that makes me laugh. oh alejandra makes me laugh, i'm dieing of laughing, she is hilarious. oh good times in the dorm.
ummm that's all i've got for you people.

untitled

2005-03-22T22:35:00.000-05:00

oh how i wish
for just one kiss
to feel your warm breath upon my face
while wrapped in your sweet embrace
we've barely said hello,
but somehow i just know
that you and me
we were meant to be

sunny days are glorious!

2005-03-22T15:12:00.000-05:00

wow, today was (is) so beautiful!! i had a small blessing in disguise, which was sweet because my original comittement for tonight and thursday night was really stressing me out due to the amount of work that i need to have finished by tomorrow and friday. well i received a phone call and now i don't have that filling up my schedule anymore! it's so wonderful outside, whenever it's sunny and warming up it just makes me so happy! plus, i talked in my political affairs class, and people actually listened to what i had to say, which is a first! it seems like alot of my friends are falling away from God...this puzzles me, sometimes I wonder if it's because of something i've said or done, or maybe because i haven't done enough or said the right things, or maybe i've just been a bad influence on them. am i boring? a lot of people lately have felt the need to share with me that they think i'm boring. it'd be ok if they were joking, but they're not. i miss speaking french...maybe i'll just start posting all in french. noone would understand, but i guess i'm ok with that, since it's not like i'm a super interesting person.

you know you're from michigan when...

2005-03-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.

You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.

You can identify an Ohio accent.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt.

Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown.

You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.

The Big Mac is something that you drive across.

You believe that "down south" means Toledo.

You bake with soda and drink pop.

You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right.

Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.

You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.

You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".

The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.

You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.

You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.

You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.

Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night.

Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines.

At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan/Michigan State football game.

You know what a millage is.

Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon.

Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh.

You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand.

You know what a "Yooper" is.

Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done

Half the people you know say they are from Detroit... yet you don't personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit

"Up North" means north of Clare.

You know what a pastie is.

You occasionally cheer "Go Lions- and take the Tigers with you."

Snow tires come standard on all your cars.At least 25% of your relatives work for the auto industry.

You don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.

Octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.

You know more about chill factors and lake effect than you'd EVER like to know!

Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."

You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.

You never watch the Weather Channel - you can just assume they're wrong.

The snowmen you make in your front yard actually freeze. Solid.

The snow freezes so hard that you can actually walk across it and not break it or leave any marks.

All your shoes are called "tennis shoes", even though no one here plays tennis anyway.

Your major school field trip includes camping and cross-country skiing.

Half your friends have a perfect sledding hill right in their own backyard.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Michigan.

i want to give up

2005-03-21T23:41:00.000-05:00

school is getting the best and worst of me. i want to give up. i have so much to do and not enough time to do it. i keep getting headaches. thers's so much else to life, am i honestly going to be writing papers and studying french poetry and math equations in my job? yeah right, are you joking me?? honestly. i feel defeated and i don't know why. it's like everything got to me and came crashing down. i had this feeling all day long that something bad was going to happen. nothing has, atleast not yet. this worries me. i have a crush on a boy who doesn't even know i exist-my life story right there. i wish i had friends.

late night happenings with Gibonie!

2005-03-20T10:37:00.000-05:00

last night was great. i hung out with angela. we were originally going to hang out with her friends, but they weren't doing anything, so we decided to go out and try to find something to do. we ended up taking hostage 3 hats (question: why would someone have a chainmail hat?!), and running for our lives with them. although our pursuer didn't really come chasing after us, better luck next time i guess! we then went to beaner's...yummy...where we discovered that we have a common idea of college: hanging out in coffee shops and parties. but i would have to add studying to my idea too. at beaner's we ran into jenn-nick's girlfriend, so that was cool. i had never met her before, she seems like an awesome person! after beaner's we went and chilled in her room, listened to music, played around with her air freshner thing. it's so cool, it switches scents and has 5 different ones!!! i only got to smell 2 though.

on the other side...i have a lot of homework and studying to do and i'm not sure when i'm going to get it all done!!! maybe if i used my time studying and not writing silly things for this it'd work out better..?lol

yay for keith urban

2005-03-19T16:23:00.000-05:00

so last night i went home, and it was nice, i got a great night's sleep, but i had some pretty messed up dreams. i remember yelling at this guy in my political affairs class, it was odd...hmmm. anyway that's not the point of this post. on the way back from florida, i was in karen's car, and we were listening to country. well i had never heard of keith urban before, and she put the cd in, but since everyone was sleeping, we turned it down really low, so i couldn't hear it. so last night at walmart i'm getting some rechargeable batteries which are conveniently located right next to the cd's, and i see the country aisle. so i walked down it and i see the keith urban cd, and it's like $10, so i thought hmm well i should buy it. so i did, and i really like it alot! my parents are a little taken aback by my next interest in country, every time i play it my dad always gives me this look that's like, what the heck happened to my daughter lol.

my sister drove me back to school today. it was sad, because i feel like i don't even know her anymore. when i was in highschool we hung out all the time, and i saw her everyday. now i barely even talk to her on a weekly basis. on the other hand, my brother benj and i continue to grow closer. it's so odd, i never thought that we would ever get along. we have so much more in common than i have ever imagined. i don't really remember him from when i was little. i feel so old sometimes, sometimes i wonder if i'll be able to finish everything in life that i want. i get thinking about all that i want to do, and i wonder where did all of the time go?

i miss my spring break friends! i wish i saw them more often, i'd like to hang out with them more. well homework is calling my name, and i need to put laundry away.

2005-03-19T15:20:00.000-05:00

You Are 45% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

hohum

2005-03-18T16:20:00.000-05:00

today has been a nice day. i haven't really done much of anything, including work! they sent me home, because i looked like i was about to throw up...i thought that i was going to also, especially looking at all the meat, barf! i'm going home tonight to do laundry and mail out my forms for LT in hopes that people will want to sponsor me... i got a letter from thomas in france on wednesday. it kinda threw me for a loop! i haven't heard from him in forever, and it was weird to see that he still thinks of me a lot. he sent me a really nice letter and put a postcard in it from my most favorite region in france: provence! too bad he's not a christian. i'm excited to spend some time with my madre tonight, it's been awhile. it's weird though, i don't really miss my family, and i barely ever see them. it's interesting the changes we make as we grow older. last year i would have given just about anything to have been able to go home in january and february, and now this year, i don't really want to go home. home reminds me of someone that i once was and never want to be again, it seems to represent everything that i have been trying so hard to escape. when i go back it's sad, i run into people that i graduated with who aren't doing anything with their lives. i see them and i'm filled with sorrow and pity almost that they aren't ever going to make it out of there. so often i think we take advantage of what we have, and don't realize how precious it is. in just one moment it could all be over, and then what? i thought i was going to die this morning, and it scared me, but i don't know why. i have this huge fear of death, but i have no reason to fear it. hmm funny how things are sometimes.
on to happier subjects:

CHOCOLATE! yummy, one night, i want to just have a girls chocolate night with karen. she seems to be the only other person in the world who has the same love for chocolate as i do. it's so deliciously sinful, and it makes me happy, and i like the taste, and ahhh i wish i could live off of it. actually probably not, i'd get really sick.

DATES!
zero, wait i lied, i've got a date with God tonight. we've got to figure things out...it should be a good time!

ok well yeah i've got nothing else, i'm just waiting for my madre to come...i wonder where she is?!

2005-03-18T12:33:00.001-05:00

yay for sparty at like 1:45am with the stupid snow!

2005-03-18T12:33:00.000-05:00

this one makes me laugh...i don't really know what mark was doing

2005-03-18T12:32:00.000-05:00

haha, drew, myself, and mark...i'm not really quite sure what exactly is going on!

that's not how i roll...

2005-03-18T03:25:00.000-05:00

st.patty's day....well let's just say it started around 9pm and still won't really end for me. i had originally intended to go out with some other friends, and on my way there i stopped by another friend's dorm to say hi. i ended up chilling there and not going out with my other friends. so we had a good time, laughed alot, talked, watched some tv, i listened to them play the guitar, we ate some pizza (pizza with bacon is just icky), and then my pirate friend walked me home. it freaking snowed last night....i was not happy, but it was pretty. on our way back we took a picture with sparty, and some random people who were at the statue. over all a good time. this morning however, not so good...but those details cannot be released here. anywho, i didn't have to stay at work (YAY), and i'm not going to class, even bigger YAY, and that's about it. but the phrase from last night that i heard like 500 bajillion times was, because that's not how i roll. it makes me laugh.

mmm cold, spicy chinese food!

2005-03-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

there's nothing like coming home after a long day, opening your fridge and spotting the small little white box with chinese drawings on the sides, knowing that it has something yummy inside. i had been craving that ALL day long, and it tasted so wonderful, it was really spicy though, like my lips are all tingly now. the chinese was leftover from katie's visit yesterday! i haven't seen her in forever, it was so much fun just to spend time with her and chill. although i must say, she is a bed hog, and i almost fell out like 5 million times, fortunately i didn't!

today: good day, no stress at all (YAY), and the highlight of my day was that i got a 3.7 on my MC 202 midterm!!! so all of my studying, tears, stress, almost all-nighter before the exam, and God looking out for me was worth it! tonight i get to go hear Salman Rushdie speak again...he did a special lecture for james madison students this afternoon which was interesting. it was neat to finally have him tell us what he really meant by his book, Midnight's Children. after hearing him speak, i'm excited to start The Satanic Verses.

are my jokes really that lame...? i have the impresion that they are, lol. mmm still thinking of chinese food...ok i need to get ready!

HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY

2005-03-17T17:47:00.000-05:00

YAY katie atleast kinda knew how to use them!

2005-03-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

a little blurry, but none the less a fun picture...me attempting to eat with chopsticks...it didn't work out too well but what still a good time with katie!