last one

the ground is falling out from under my feet and i can't seem to walk away. i'm fascinated by the crumbling tile, looking into the abyss below i go silently. not having enough care to grab for the edge of the floor i slip away without a sound, and like that i've vanished. oddly enough noone else seems to have noticed, or really cared that everything was crashing down. the bomb exploded but only i could hear it. i turned in every direction screaming for help, tears were falling down my face, yet not one person turned around or even blinked an eye. it was as if i was not there, or not worth saving. i fought against it for awhile until i realized that there was nothing left worth fighting for. it was the moment when i realized that noone would extend their hand for me, and it hit me, i was alone. for the very first time in my life the lights disappeared, and this time there weren't coming back on. the darkness was suffocating, and it closed in on me, wrapping around me like a blanket. it wasn't warm and comforting, instead a dull numbess overcame my body. i was trapped, but it didn't matter, because this time noone was coming to find me, there would be no rescue team, no funeral, nothing. it was as if i had never even been born. i tried to think of what i could have done differently and i realized...i realized it was one sick lie. it hit me that people will always let you down, and trust noone because words are empty. love is a choice that is rarely chosen, and all is not fair in love and war. i deserved something better, but sadly noone believed that but me. i settled for second best because the best threw me out on the street. that's how i ended up here in this darkness, outkast by the world, society, eveything that was once my comfort is now my pain. this darkness knows me and becomes me. i'm left with trying to get out or staying. this time i'm staying for good, there's no point in leaving.

i have wished my last 21 years away

where does time go? i blink my eyes, and it seems like 4 years has gone by. there are only 3 weeks left before year number 2 at msu is over, and it seems like classes are just starting. i turned 21, i can remember dreaming of that to happen. it seems like it was just yesterday that i was 17 and looking at my license thinking, crap i still have to wait 4 LONG years before i'm 21. and now it's already there. i thought college was for old people, something that would never happen to me. i thought that i would always be a baby, and never grow up. i think one of my good friends from high school is married, and the sad thing, is that i found out through facebook. when i was in preschool...my dreamjob was being a bus driver. to me, bus drivers were the most amazing people in the world. now that i'm older, i realize that it's not the life of luxury that i once dreamed it to be. when i was in third grade, i wanted to be a lawyer and my DREAM was to go to harvard law school. i wanted to become the US's first female president. i even told a guy on a plane, when i was in 7th grade, that i was going to be the world's first female president. he told me that he would look for my name in the papers, and that he would vote for me. i spent the first 19 years of my life wishing that i was older, and since then i've spent the last 2 wishing i was younger. right now, ijust wish i was finished with college. i find myself wishing to be anywhere but here. the only things that i like about where i'm at right now is my boyfriend, and God...i want to fill my car up with gas, throw a bag or 2 in the back, pick up mark and go. i don't care where, just pick a direction and drive off and in one sense never come back again. i want more out of life than what i have. i want to experience the world, meet everyone, see everthing. i want it all, but ican't have any of it.

updates all across the board

well it's been ages since i've written something, so rather than take a shower and see if i have to go into work i've decided to write on this blog. god has been amazing to mark and i lately. in these past 2 weeks we have grown closer together than we have in the almost 5 months that we've been together. we've undergone "construction" in our relationship and have really done a 180, to focus back on God and make him the center of it all once again. it's been amazing...we've been praying and reading our bibles together. i feel like we've grown so much closer on a different level. even though there are other things that stand in our way it's not stopping us. i'm really proud of the changes and the progress that we've been making.

school sucks, i wish that i didn't have to go to school. i just want to move to france and stay there forever speaking french, eating french bread and drinking wine.

the family is doing well...i guess i don't relaly talk to them anymore.

this is boring, lol i don't know why i write in this thing anymore.

stolen from noel's blog

Get your position here

sunny days!

wow what a beautiful day it was outside! it was so nice! it's amazing to me how God can create such peace within a world of chaos. nothing really special happened today, it was just a good day. except for french class....UGH! oh well, i did, however, go to 2 out of my 3 classes today, which is a major improvement for me. i'm not usually one to skip or to slack off, but for some reason this semester not only have i become lazy, and a bum, but i also rarely go to class. that's probably a habit that i need to break out of, because i'm sure it's not a good thing! this weekend should be fun! mark and i are going to casa sommerlot on friday night for his mom's birthday party. i really like hanging out with them. then on saturday it's down to jackson for a man night and a girls night. mark, john, and my dad are going to this wild game dinner, for some manly time, while jessie, mom, and myself are going to manicures, pedicures, watch girly movies, and probably eat some ice cream or something....who knows what we'll do! i'm looking forward to sunday, mainly because i'm doing the shape class. now that i have my car back up at state i should be able to do more things at church. i can't imagine ever leaving riverview, but at the same time i don't want to stay in the lansing area for the rest of my life. i'm ready to go see even more of the world. right now i'd be happy with an extended weekend. i wish it was hot out so that i could go up north to go hiking and climing, etc. that would be so much fun! i am very proud of myself....i killed a spider ALL BY MYSELF. ok i lied...i had the help of some raid. it was on the ceiling, so i sprayed it until it fell down (where i proceeded to scream like a little girl), and then once it was down, i think i sprayed about 1/2 of the can on it. needless to say i won that round. i can't wait to move into my apartment next year! i'm really excited to live with christina, and i'm ready to be out on my own. it makes me feel so old to be living in an apartment, paying bills, making food, etc. it's a rush for me, i can't wait to experience it all. speaking of experiences, i am procrastinating on experiencing the JOYS of studying. so i should probably do that.

i am done

SHAPE

i am taking this class at riverview called SHAPE: spiritual gifts, heart, abilities, personality, and experience. this was week one of 4, and today we worked on spiritual gifts. after taking the test, i have determined that my spiritual gifts are (the romans 12 test-who would have known that there are several different tests to take???):
1. exhortation
2. leadership
and last but certainly not least: mercy
i'm not sure what to make of all of this yet, so as schiller instructed us to do, i'm going to check out the website www.biblegateway.net to see what i can make of them, but mostly the exhoration one.
i've really had to face this in the past couple of days, IT IS NOT ABOUT ME! being a christian is not about me, but it's about others. reaching other people for Christ...i have already found God, but there are so many people out there who haven't yet.
i need to find some community. i'm really aching for my housechurch from last year, we had amazing community. right now i need to find a group of women that i can grow with spiritually, but that seems hard to find these days. mark made an interesting comment to me yesterday: you know arwen, when i had community i didn't want it, and now that i do...well i just don't have it anymore. it's funny how that works out sometimes. it was good to be in that class today, mark brett was talking about the importance of this class, and what he said really resonated within me. he said that where we are at is not an accident. what has happened to us, and where we have ended up is a part of the plan. (acts 17:26-27). that is so hard to grasp sometimes. all of the events in our lives have all pushed us to this exact moment in time, and you know what God knew that we would end up here. that is so cool!

on another note, financial stress is no fun. my paycheck was never deposited into my bank account on friday....i'm not sure what happened, but i am sure that i need that money. i really dislike money. right now i have to put all of my trust in God that i can get out of this hole that i have dug for myself.
anyway, things are going well. i feel at ease, and peaceful...something that i haven't felt in awhile.